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As we get older, our biggest regret as parents is what we did or did not do for our children. Here are a few little bits that can help our children grow old with fewer regrets of their own.
That’s right, say thanks to your children now and again. Thank them for being such a wonderful part of your life. They don’t know that they have brightened your life in ways that they have. All they know is what they hear and see. If they don’t hear it, they won’t know it and they won’t learn it. If you are not grateful for them, they won’t be capable of being grateful for you.
Tell them how much they mean to you and how much your life has changed for the better because of them. Chances are they have heard enough about how much your life has been changed for the worse since they came around. It will be good for you and them both to hear that they matter and that they have a solid purpose in your world.
Parents are not above making mistakes. Don’t Get Into a tug of war with your children. If you want children who are humble, gentle, and down to earth apologize to them when you make a mistake.
Kids need to see us vulnerable and soft. Contrary to popular belief that’s not a sign of weakness, that’s a sign of strength. When we say “I’m sorry for what I did” to them or someone weaker and smaller than us we show a special kind of strength, and it is a beautiful thing for our children to learn about their parents.
No one likes entitled children. We don’t want our kids to grow up in a world where they feel they are great at everything therefore they stop trying. At the same time, we want them to feel encouraged. So, what’s the middle ground? Don’t just say “good job” to every little thing they do. Make it specific to actual important tasks. “I appreciate your kindness”. liked that you shared your toy with your sister without any fuss, that was nice of you”. If it’s related to academics, don’t make it about the grades, rather appreciate the hard work and tell them you appreciate that they put in the effort.
That way they feel seen and don’t need to fish for compliments. And the compliments and praise are not empty.
No matter what happens don’t attach your love and approval of them (regardless of what age they are) to any kind of accomplishment. Of course, we want them to be successful in life and work hard. But we want our children to know that we love them and that we are proud of them solely because they are our children.
When we start to put conditions on that love and acceptance it’s a scientifically researched fact that children tend to perform poorly in school and have lower self-esteem. This happens because every time they get a bad grade, they think now my parents will love me less and that sends them into a kind of low place that is unmanageable for a child. She is now doing this for her parents’ affection, which comes and goes. Once you take your child out of that loop and give them the confidence and love that can’t be taken away, they will start to thrive academically and in every other way.
I’m hoping this is a no-brainer for all of us. Every human needs to feel loved. Tell them you love them. Tell them they are important to you. Do it more than once a day. Don’t assume they know because most of the time they don’t unless you tell them.
Cover Image Credits: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
